There are shorts. And then there are Chubbies Shorts. And then there are Chubbies Shorts that are so patriotic they make you want to find Uncle Sam so you can put your arms around him and squeeze the bald eagles that comprise his innards/stuffing right out, then watch them fly away and — eventually — expertly drop their excrement upon an ISIS flag.

Sure, the California casual clothing brand (can’t bold “casual” enough) sure has its share of flag-waving, military-saluting (they offer a 15% military discount here and through their checkout), red/white/blue options — but which one is jingoistically superior?

How about ahhhhhh, you tell us?

Here are the most worthy candidates, along with Chubbies’ proprietary catchy names and accompanying copy …

THE ‘MERICAS

The most patriotic shorts in the entire U S of A.

(But are they now?)

THE MOUNT CRUSHMORES

You’ll never stop crushing with this preeminent American landmark printed boldly across your man parts.

 

THE LAND THAT I LOVES

*SCREECHING EAGLE MATING NOISE MIXED WITH GUITAR SOLO AND FIREWORKS*

 

THE EXACTAS

FYI: The Preakness is May 21st, the Belmont Stakes is June 11th, the Jockeychella is June 25th.

 

THE DAWN EARLY LIGHTS

Give your khaki a little star-spangled backbone with these crispy, flag-lined Chubbies.

 

THE HIGH LIFES

We’ve got your corduroys covered with patriotically embroidered stars and stripe-a-lipes.

 

THE ROCKETS RED GLARE

Rockets, fireworks, clown cars; what do these things have in common with these glorious shorts? They’ve got the fun stuff on the inside.

 

THE GADSENS

Don’t even think about treading on me.

 

THE 50TH STATES

One (1) super soft waistband combined with three hundred (300) patriotic pineapples.

 

THE WE LANDED ON THE MOONS

Houston, we have some dope shorts.

 

THE FIFTY NIFTIES (FOR THE LADIES)

From the 13 original colonies of 1776 to America’s moon colonies of 2076, these shorts are absolutely timeless.

 

THE RUB DUB B’S (FOR THE LADIES)

If Lady Liberty were to wear seersucker shorts, she’d wear these very shorts.

 

THE WORLD RECORDS

Magic print swim trunks that reveal a glorious field of beautiful stars. Wait, is that the Big Dipper?

 

THE GRAND FINALES

These tear-away swim trunks reveal the Chubbana Hammock. Basically, the walk-off home run of shortswear.

 

Cast your vote! Which one reigns supreme as the ultimate showing of American pride and patriotic passion? Which one tells the world “I”m from the United States, and I’m a chump steamroller!” the best??

Have at it horse …

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