This is a dismal, poorly-plotted, drab see-through cartoon. If we had to guess, its animators were thirsty and starving when they were working on it and couldn’t wait to finish the ending so they could collect their meager sack of rubles and wait in the breadline.

The main character, Sidorov Vova, is a worthless slab of meat who somehow — despite the oft-publicized oppression of communism and the scarcity of goods in the USSR in the mid-1980s — has managed to grow up spoiled, fat and lazy. After he comes of age, the Soviet Union throws him in the military, where he (for some reason?) takes his family with him. His mother cleans his gun with soapy water, etc. The other Russian soldiers are like “WTF?” and make the daring statement (not really) that if every service member was like Vova they’d had been conquered already. Then they clarify and say they’ll eventually make Vova into a supers soldier, despite his sloth-like rearing, even though throughout most of the cartoon he’s IN the army and nothing changes.

We do, however, understand what messaage the caricature film was trying to project. It was the following: …

Just kidding. We have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s the idea that the Soviet military will help its population overcome childhood obesity?

By the way, we don’t mean to slag off the animation itself. That part isn’t all that bad …