Blake Hall
The U.S. military is expanding its tattoo policy AND wiping out identity fraud in one fell swoop.
In a move unanimously approved by Congress, President Obama and the ghost of former President Theodore Roosevelt, the military will start tattooing Quick Response (QR) codes to troop foreheads.
Sources tell us that service members will gradually go under the tattoo needle starting in 2017. By 2019, the Department of Veterans Affairs hopes to have tattoo artists installed in VA clinics to convert veterans as well.
“These QR codes will revolutionize how the United States runs the military and veteran community,” President Obama said over raisin scones on April 1. “No need for discharge papers. No need for medical records. All we’ll have to do to verify your service and benefits is scan your forehead with this here smartphone app.”
QR codes are a type of square bar code that consists of black dots arranged on a white square. These squares can be read by cameras and smartphones to convey and collect information.
The military-sanctioned QR codes will be uniform 4×4 inch squares tattooed in black ink. They will be situated as closely to the middle of a service member’s forehead as possible.
What Information Will the QR Codes Hold?
– Full Legal Name and All Nick Names
– Military Rank and Physical Attractiveness Rating
– How Many Times You Took the Lord’s Name in Vain
– Average Daily Blood Alcohol Content
– March Madness Bracket and/or Fantasy Football Stats
– The Last Date You Flossed Your Teeth
“This is going to change everything,” a VA spokesman said as he blew his nose on a veteran’s disability claim. “Verifying a veteran’s identity and benefits with a single image capture is going to cut down on our backlog for sure.”
While most veterans and service members are excited to see yet another part of their body controlled and labeled by the military, some are less enthusiastic. After all, anyone can scan a QR code with the right app.
“I don’t want some cybercriminal in China to know the degrading nickname I answered to in the Marine Corps,” an anonymous Gulf War veteran said.
“I haven’t been to church in a decade, and I haven’t even seen a dentist office in two,” another veteran said. “Does my child’s kindergarten teacher need to know that? Does my wife? This is government overreach, pure and simple.”
This is a developing story. Watch this space for updates!