Blake Hall
Sometimes you have to have ole Karl read the spiked tea leaves in Grand Blanc, Michigan to wrap your head around the wild, wild world we live in these days. There’s no shame in it, and as a matter of fact, you’re that much more of an American if you do so.
Perhaps one of the scariest (and very real) threats to our freedom in 2016 is Islamic terrorism. Al Qaeda already broke through and caused the worst attack on American soil in our modern history 15 years ago, and ISIS (Islamic State, IS, ISIL, Daesh, etc.) is poised to try and do the same (as we blow them to smithereens with drones and airstrikes in Iraq and Syria). Shoot, just in the past year, they’ve already done so in both Paris, Brussels and Africa.
Lest we not forget the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013, which was carried out by two Chechen brothers besotted on fatuous Islamic extremist beliefs, too.
Thing is, what we tried to summarize in the graphs above Karl was able to do in just 23 words in the following tweet:
People who use religion for violence are idiots. Religion is for takin' the day off to pig out and get super bombed. Respectfully.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) March 25, 2016
Succinct. Clear. Vivid. Powerful.
Man.
Mr. Welzein, who’s the fictional creation of Michigan comedian and writer Mike Burns, also has thoughts on people, places and things that have nothing to do with Homeland Security or theology or foreign policy. And if you thought the tweet above was poignant and moving, get a load of these bad boys, you guys …
Whoa. Guess the Hulkster got 115 mil bones for a carnal passions vid? Might have to make one and leak it around. Make it real steamy.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) March 19, 2016
Woo? Woo.
Why would anyone vote Trump for president when Ric Flair is just sittin' there NOT bein' president. So stupid.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) March 10, 2016
On social media.
USA used to be badass. Flint built muscle cars. Now the USA is a toilet of corncobs sayin' their "feelings" on the computer. Yuck.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) February 1, 2016
On the Flint water crisis.
If you can't drink H2O in Flint, the government should make cold ones complimentary. On THEIR tab. It's a safe, healthy alternative.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) January 21, 2016
On seeing Star Wars.
When I roll up at Star Wars with a 6 of Busch talls and drop a few wink & point combos, force style, all the babes'll be like, "whoa."
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) December 17, 2015
On drinking to ease one’s sorrows.
Time to find the bottom of a bottle of somethin' brown and hard with the name of a Christian man.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) December 4, 2015
On drinking beer.
Wish I could just hook my peener to the toilet and funnel cold ones from my mouth direct to the sewer. There should be an app for that.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) November 22, 2015
On St. Louis Cardinals broadcaster Joe Buck.
If Guy Fieri saw Joe Buck in a dark alley, he'd probs crush his face in and tell him, "Send the bill to Flavortown." Ha! So money.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) November 22, 2015
On MMA fighter Ronda Rousey.
When a babe like Ronda Rousey gets her grill crushed in, Karl's bod shop is ready for repairs. 365. 24/7. Open on Sundays.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) November 15, 2015
On love.
Hate is the purest form of love, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) October 12, 2015
On Labor Day.
You don't need a "job" to have a celebraish on Labes Day. A business is just fine. And my business, is drinkin' cold ones, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) September 8, 2015
On gay rights.
Might put on a whole buncha rainbow colors and head down to Chili's. Get real bonkers. No one cuts off a guy celebratin' love, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 26, 2015
On supporting our military veterans and Memorial Day.
Diggin' through garbage to find some returnables so you can turn 'em in for $ so you can by booze to celebrate fallen troops shows respect.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) May 22, 2015
And that’s all there is to it, you guys.