If you think koalas are cute little cuddly bears that will snuggle up with you in your cozy bed like a living, breathing stuffed animal and be all affectionate and soothe your sorrow and laugh at all your jokes and play fetch and roll over and ask you if you lost weight, you’re wrong. You’re mistaken on all accounts. You’ve been living in a dreamworld, and it’s time someone shook you awake so you can’t get a grip on reality and come to terms with a few empirical truths:

1. Koalas aren’t cute.

2. Koalas aren’t cuddly.

3. Koalas aren’t bears (they’re marsupials — female koalas have a pouch).

4. Your bed isn’t as cozy as you think it is.

5. Koalas are menacing, savagely fierce little beasts who will stop at nothing to tear other living beings limb from limb. When God created the koala, he called Jim Henson up and said “Hey Jim, you want to play a cruel joke on existence? Here’s a Australian wolverine, make him look adorbs.”

Proof is in the pudding. The pudding, in this instance, is the following video posted the other day by a lady from Down Under. Ebony Churchill is her name. She’s 31 years old and maintains a Facebook account. When she posted this on Facebook, she added the following words as a caption: “The koala bloody chased me tonight!

“Shit me self.”

Gawker