Retired Army infantry colonel and author Kurt Schlichter stretched his writing muscles and penned the most outrageously detailed plot to destroy ISIS to ever grace the Internet.
In a hypothetical future published to IJReview, Schlichter details “What Defeating ISIS Would Look Like” using only drones, a recently elected Cuban-American president (Ted Cruz??) and a Marine called the Wildman. Is this a screenplay? A satire? A legitimate blue print for future foreign policy? Who’s to say. We can say that this literary thing taking up digital space on our browsers is a thrill ride from start to finish. Whether it’s a terrifying or exhilarating ride is up to you.
Enter the Wildman
The narrative starts with a recently elected president hinted to be Ted Cruz firing the CENTCOM commander for providing “timid half measures.” With this lily-livered general out of his hair, the president calls in the Big Guns.
He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.” As the Secret Service agents bum rushed the stunned four star out of the Oval Office, the President took the phone.
The Wildman is in the middle of sinking his eighteenth hole on a Florida golf course when he gets the call. Apparently, he is a retired Marine with a reputation for ruthlessness. He is ordered to take over for the CENTCOM commander and “wipe out” the city of Raqqa, a city that 220,000 people call home. Mere days after his game of golf is ruined, the Wildman leads a military offensive so brutal that Raqqa and all of the people in it “cease to exist.”
Recruiting the Public
President Not-Ted-Cruz appears on TV to tell the American public what he has done. At this point, Schlichter provides some vital exposition about this alternative universe. Apparently, ISIS launched a string of attacks on American shopping malls in October 2016, killing hundreds in gun-free malls and mere dozens in open-carry ones. This changes the United States’ political climate overnight.
After the President announces that he is going to wage war with ISIS, the Senate bans filibustering and Americans are hit with new taxes to generate more money for the military.
The President also announced that all Americans must pay their fair share to support the war effort, and imposed a temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans. Those not working must also pay their fair share too, he said; he signed a bill cutting all social programs 7% and shifting the savings to the military. The Democrats went ballistic; the President’s approval rating hit 60%.
This is where things get really interesting. With everything figured out at home, the President and the Wildman bump fists and move on to Operation Linebacker III to stamp out ISIS once and for all. With moderate cooperation with Russia and a middle finger towards Iraq, the military gets to work reducing entire cities to rubble.
The Iraqi prime minister called the President to complain that he had never given permission for any of this; the President informed the Iraqi leader that America wasn’t asking.
As the war shifts in the United States’ favor, the Wildman flirts with war crime and orders his men to slaughter civilians, prisoners and surrendering fighters indiscriminately. The American public goes wild.
The Wildman…set out to ruthlessly dismember the Islamic State, to kill its members, and to demonstrate to a Middle East that doubted American power and resolve under the feckless Barack Obama that America was still the proverbial strong horse. There would be no half-measures, no ambiguous ending. America would crush ISIS; there could be no other outcome.
In two months, the war is over. Schlichter writes that the final body count is “26,763 ISIS fighters dead,” but from Raqqa alone we know this to be but a sliver of the human casualties. But ISIS is gone, Ted Cruz has won and the Wildman can finally play golf in peace.
The Islamic State was just a terrible memory. Iran, North Korea, Russia and China all saw and understood that they would need to govern themselves accordingly in the face of a post-Obama America. And it would be years before any terrorist group dared again threaten the United States.
Experience the original story in all of its questionable satire here. As always, feel free to drop your thoughts in the comments.
(Photo Credit | U.S. Air National Guard photo/Airman 1st Class Robert Cabuco)