No, no, no. Don’t be silly. We’re not talking about those leafy details on the visors of high-ranking naval officers (or civilian boat captains — or craft beer-drinkin’ hipster kids [despite the fact that he probably was a military veteran of some sort, “The Skipper” from Gilligan’s Island abstained from sporting them]). We’re talking about the real thing. Chicken embryos. Cracked and poured and beaten like the poor sap who owes the mob thousands.

If you’re a breakfast fan, chances are you’re an egg fan. And if you’re an egg fan, chances are you’re a scrambled fan — at least some of the time. The scramble is to the egg as the burger is to ground beef.

Vegetarian? Vegan? We apologize.

Anyway, the technique we’re about to spill to you involves an immersion blender. It’s a tool that whips and turns and churns, basically. It’s electronic.

Once your eggs are poured from their broken shells into a bowl, you use the handheld blender to blend them — with a focus on putting a lot of air into the mix. Not too much, though. Don’t turn it into a foamy mess. When they’re ready, pour them onto a pan but not before you melt a nice hunk of butter on the skillet. Healthy mass of yellow dairy fat. Don’t be shy.

Next up, for the hot fix — listen to these instructions via Lifehacker:

Now the cooking process is just as crucial though—you have to keep the eggs moving in the pan (over medium heat, I’ll venture) so they don’t overcook, and so they set up perfectly. Once they do, and they’re at the perfect consistency for you, slide them out onto a plate, and then season them with salt and pepper, or some freshly chopped herbs like dill or chives. That’s all there is to it.

If you want to see it in video form, voila!