Recently, the United States’ Special Operation Command (SOCOM) officially put its line in the water for revolutionary new ideas with this link here. And, come October, they’ll hold a conference to reel in those big winners — concepts like silenced engines and lightweight ammunition and robot butlers.

Okay, maybe not the butlers, but you get the picture.

In an effort to better convey precisely what they’re looking for, they put out a sample white paper. And got a little wild. And weird.

Keep in mind, this isn’t a real project, but it is the brainchild of someone on the government’s payroll, and hold your breath for it … because it’s called “Dual-Mode Augmented Canine Transport System (Project DUCTS).

Here’s its cover:

project ducts

It’s a dog — a K9 — with a goddamn rocket strapped to its back. The propulsion of the pet missile is powered by helium. Very sophisticated.

Here’s a little taste of the made-up copy in the white paper:

The presence of the compressed-HELIUM tank presents an added risk under combat conditions, not only to the K9 unit, but also to team members nearby. Since SOF members often conduct operations in hostile environments, a directed or stray projectile impacting the HELIUM tank could result in a catastrophic rupture that could seriously annoy the user and surrounding personnel.

A projectile hit to the supply line from the tank to the pack during airborne transport operations could result in a sudden loss of altitude. In addition to this safety risk, the user must bear the burden of the tank’s weight and bulk pre transport initiation, along with mission essential equipment.

It may seem nutty and extremely cruel in the here and now, but back in World War II — in the USSR, mind you — it existed, and it was even uglier than the above proposal.

This from War Is Boring:

The Soviet Union attempted to train dogs carrying explosives to run under tanks during World War II. The United States tested a similar scheme at the same time, but never deployed the canines. Iraqi insurgents tried dog bombs.

Good thing America’s idea for using armed dogs is in jest. Otherwise, there would be quite the uproar.

Ruff.