Blake Hall
The Islamic State, aka the militants who execute pigeons for spying and having genitals, has reached a new level of unintentional hilarity.
In a 70-page word journey of cringe-worthy makeup tips, puzzling capitalization and nerf gun recommendations, ISIS has published a guide to surviving in the West for undercover jihadists.
The handbook is a literary thrill ride from start to finish. Here are our favorite pearls of wisdom throughout the document.
1) “Males might wear a fake moustache or fake beard.”
A good disguise is essential for operating behind enemy lines, and ISIS is quick to advise readers to grow a little nose buddy. The tiny image accompanying this passage is also honest-to-god straight out of a vintage porno.
Sorry ISIS, your phony handlebar mustaches don’t fool us.
2) “Modern weapons are usually found from the ‘dark underworld.'”
In the West, you can’t buy modern weapons just anywhere. It’s not like guns are legally sold at an estimated 15,000 stores throughout the United States, including Target, Gander Mountain and the like. It is only in the ‘dark underworld’ governed by drug dealers and convicts that dangerous weaponry can be found. Thanks for clearing that one up for us, ISIS.
3) “Ask a child cousin” to buy toy guns.
If you can’t penetrate the dark underworld, go for the next best thing. When honing your weaponry skills, ISIS suggests recruiting a small child to infiltrate the nearest toy store. If you can make a headshot with a nerf gun, you don’t deserve to be a jihadist anyway.
4) “You can get away with anything with just a video camera and the excuse a crime being a ‘Prank’! Remember this.”
Someone has been watching a lot of “Jackass” recently. If you’re caught smuggling something dangerous, whip out a video camera and tell authorities it’s a harmless prank. Because a man with a pipe bomb and a video camera isn’t sketchy at all.
5) “Playing games like Call of Duty gives you knowledge of Techniques used in warfare on different Terrains.”
If this is true, millions of American gamers are already equipped to fight ISIS at a moment’s notice, and many more are only one GameStop visit away from gaining ‘knowledge of Techniques’ as well. Try again, n00bs.