The boot camp humor and basic training stories shared by veterans on Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said has had us in stitches for years. Now, the hilarity of ASMDSS is available in book form.

In the name of celebrating veterans who accomplish cool stuff, we’ve combed the Internet for some of the best drill sergeant quotes out there. This short list is only the tip of the gritty, expletive-laced iceberg. Vets can contribute their boot camp stories to ASMDSS, and recruits can prepare themselves for ultimate physical punishment before coming face to face with their own drill sergeant/instructor.

Warning: Explicit Language, Wildly Inappropriate Stock Images

1) “You better move at the speed of Mach Jesus Private!”


2) “You make me believe in reincarnation because no one could become that stupid in one lifetime.”


3) “The Terminator had life figured out, Privates. He came into this world cold, naked and taking a knee. That’s how I start every morning.”


4) “You’re the reason condoms have an expiration date.”


5) “Quit looking at me with your Lego box head and pedophile smile.”


6) When it was raining: “Privates, that’s not the sound of baby-making music. That’s the sound of the sky baptizing the sand you’re about to be low-crawling in.”


7) “It’s not that god damned difficult, Private. It’s not like I asked you to eat a bushel of apples and shit a fruit salad!”


8) “Don’t thank me, thank your mother for not swallowing you.”


9) “Do you know what the speed of light is? THE SPEED AT WHICH YOU ARE FUCKING UP! NOW GET OUT OF MY FACE!”

Head in Hands

10) “I’m gonna call you Baskin, cause you’re 31 flavors of all fucked up.”


11) “I have pimples older and wiser than you jack offs.”


12) “Your physical performances are proof that evolution is a lie.”


13) “Don’t tell me you avoided that coat hanger for nine whole months just to fucking give up now.”


14) “You have calves bigger than most cows.”


15) “Private, you look like that mouth-breathing kid from ‘Hey Arnold!'”